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4:30am I wake to the sound of screaming on the baby monitor. I nudge my
sleeping wife, but she doesn’t move. The crying continues so I poke
Catelyn again, harder this time, and she’s finally up and headed to the
nursery! Score.
6:00am My sleep is disturbed once more, but it doesn’t sound like baby
Lucas this time. Is Catelyn crying in the nursery? Weird. I’ll ask her
later if I remember. I need all the sleep I can get for my day at the
office. People think it’s simple for me since daddy owns the company,
but it’s actually harder. I just make it look easy.
7:00am I’m awake and ready to take on the world specifically made for
my success! I hop in the shower and use my 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner,
body wash, beard cleanser, and facial scrub. This cobalt blue bottle is
all I need. I don’t understand why girls have so many products. I like
my women natural, except the ones who don’t shave their armpits, cause
that’s just, like, wrong. (Or the ones who don’t wear bras. Oh and also
the ones who don’t wear makeup.)
7:30am As I say goodbye to Catelyn, I notice her eyes look red and
swollen. That’s… odd? She must be tired or something. I head out the
door listening to my favorite podcast, the Joe Rogan Experience. He’s
talking to someone who doesn’t believe in gravity, and honestly they’re
making some pretty good points.
8:00am I buy a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino at Starbucks and chug
it on the way. I can’t let the guys at work see I’m drinking this, so I
stash the empty cup in a trash can 8 blocks away from the office.
8:30am I arrive at work and my buddy Josh greets me with our daily high
five. He just had a baby too, but my baby is waaaay bigger. Lucas is
less than a year old and he’s already wearing 2T!!! My son will be a
star football player, and Josh’s son will be a loser who doesn’t make
the cut.
8:35am Josh tells a boring story about his wife and I use it as an
opportunity to show him a recent pic of my fam. This is a double
insult because not only is my baby huge, but Catelyn is much hotter than
Josh’s wife Rebecca. Rebecca went to some hippie dippie retreat after
college and stopped wearing deodorant… gross. I feel bad for Josh.
9:05am-12:00pm Bleacher Report, /r/wallstreetbets, and morning phone
call with daddy
12:30pm Josh and I grab lunch at the nearby Panera, where we talk about
my impressive high school football and basketball careers. (Josh is only
5’9 and I’m 5’10 and ¾, so he would be at a major disadvantage if we
were to go one on one.) He agrees that if it weren’t for the injuries, I
probably would’ve gone pro.
1:00pm-4:30pm Instagram, FanDuel, and afternoon phone call with daddy
4:45pm On my way home, I see people collecting money for “food
insecurity,” whatever that means. It’s not a problem for me, so I don’t
think it exists. I text Catelyn to ask what’s for dinner while I pass.
Catelyn always cooks, unless we break out the grill of course. The
thought of being grillmaster brings a smile to my face. Everything is
right with the world.
5:30pm I walk in the door and immediately crack open a Watermelon White
Claw. I deserve it. I’m a hero at work and at home.
6:00pm Dinnertime! The chicken parm Catelyn made is lit, but Lucas spit
up on the new Vineyard Vines bib my mom bought for him. (Mom will
probably blame Catelyn’s “mothering abilities” again, so I think my boy
and I are in the clear. Phew.)
8:00pm Sportscenter! Let’s go!!! I want to watch, but Catelyn is giving
me the eyes. Not the “do me eyes,” unfortunately, but the “you need to
help clean the kitchen because I cooked dinner and took care of our
child all day eyes.” I assist by loading one fork into the dishwasher.
11:30pm I wake up to find I passed out on the couch. I stumble into the
bedroom where Catelyn is already asleep. Wait a second. Was she crying
this morning? I just don’t get it. Last week she did say something
about how her body is in pain all the time and she feels like she has no
friends or identity anymore, and that everyone, my mom especially, makes
her feel like a failure as a mother and as a person, but it just doesn’t
make sense! Ah well. I’ll ask her tomorrow if I remember.