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Last month I looked out our bedroom window and noticed a uniquely shaped stick in our back yard. The stick appeared to be protruding out from a larger log and was mostly covered with leaves. There was an odd curve to it that didn’t seem right to me, and I thought “Wow, that really looks like an antler. Weird.” As the weeks passed and the wind continued to blow the leaves into our neighbor’s yard (they love that), things were unfortunately shaping up to be very antler-like. And then one day I peered out the window and it was clear there was a dead deer behind our house.
We went outside to confirm that there was in fact a deceased deer out there, a trip no one ever wants to take, and sure enough we found a deer head laying on the ground. To make matters more unsettling, there was no actual body to be seen. (Not that I wanted to find the body of a deer, but I also didn’t want to not find a dead deer body if you know what I mean.)
So where is the body?
Scenario 1: Our neighbors are sending us a message.
We have offended our neighbors in some way and they have placed this deer head here as a warning. This is their way of telling us to get the fuck out. Have I been too loud while rolling the trash can over the gravel driveway at 7:00 in the morning? Can the neighbors somehow hear what we are saying about them? Do they actually see the (maybe) (sometimes) illicit things we are doing in our home? I don’t know, but I do know that I am now looking into thicker curtains, and that their twisted message has been received loud and clear. (This is sadistic even for you Eileen.)
Scenario 2: An animal, e.g. a coyote, scavenged this head from a nearby body (hit by a car?) and dropped it in our back yard en route to its final destination (a.k.a. its murder den).
This scenario might scare you, but it’s a possibility I’m actually kind of excited about. I’m feeling very Nat Geo about the whole thing. We might get a night vision camera to see what goes on out there and I’m hoping the bears and turkeys are having nocturnal tea parties and/or raves. I don’t claim to know their proclivities at this point, but I’m interested in really getting to know them. (David Attenborough vibes.)
Scenario 3: The deer died here, in this very spot, and the body has somehow disintegrated into the ground or up into the sky (Sirius Black style) (shit sorry spoiler alert).
I don’t like this scenario. There is a fallen tree next to the head and I’m concerned that the tree crushed the innocent animal. I’m not taking this lightly. I’ve also learned about something called CWD (Chronic Wasting Disease) in which a deer literally CONSUMES ITSELF. So I am now envisioning a deer eating its ENTIRE BODY and then finally dying once only the head remains, even though that is most definitely not possible.
Personally I would pick scenario two any day of the week and I plan to continue living my life as if that’s what happened. But no matter how we got to this point, we have to decide how to move forward.
Option 1: We dig (Justin digs) a deep hole near the head and we bury (Justin buries) the damn thing. We forget about it entirely, and hope a child who someday inhabits this house after us doesn’t discover the remains during a dino dig themed activity.
Option 1a: We still bury it, but we exhume the head in a couple years after nature has taken its course. We hopefully find a pair of clean antlers, which I then give to my dad for Father’s Day. I consequently win some sort of best daughter award.
Option 2: My coworker (an avid hunter) has suggested I boil the fucking thing in a large barrel filled with some sort of OxiClean mixture* (?!?!) while removing bits of the deer using some kind of tool (???!!!) to eventually reveal a spotless set of antlers (which I still give to my dad for Father’s Day). WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. This option would involve me scraping off the poor deer’s NOSE (because guess what it still has a NOSE) from the poor deer’s HEAD. I cannot imagine executing this option without crying and having a full on mental breakdown. I absolutely will not do this and option two is frankly off the table.
Option 3: We continue with what we have been doing up until this point- nothing. We let it rot. We look at the head on occasion and think, “Oh yeah we should really deal with that” and then walk into the kitchen for a snack.
Option 3a: We still do nothing. The hypothetical coyote comes back for it, and we score some footage on our new night vision camera that could potentially garner 15 to 20 views on YouTube.
HELP.
*This is not sponsored by OxiClean.