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I get into a morning routine rabbit hole pretty often. It’s usually midnight on a weekend and I find myself watching videos like “A Healthy and Productive Morning Routine” and “How to Wake Up at 4AM.” The next morning, I inevitably end up hating myself for waking up at 11AM and drinking a cup of coffee (with lots of milk and sugar) before I chug a gallon of lemon water. (I know. I am a monster.)
This is how it goes.
“I wake up super early.” Here’s a shot of the star of the video stretching as the sun is rising. They gaze at their Himalayan salt lamp. White linens abound. We are told this person does not fucking dare look at any screens first thing in the morning, but we wonder what tools they used to film this, and also how they resist checking Twitter as soon as their eyes open.
“After some light stretching, I head straight into the kitchen.” The person’s hair is suddenly in a perfect bun??? It honestly looks like they used one of those top knot guides from QVC, but we went straight from light stretching to the kitchen sans hair tutorial so we’ll never know. The kitchen is so organized and clean it looks like they have never cooked in it. Seriously they have never so much as toasted a Pop-Tart in here. I would feel comfortable eating a meal directly off of the shiny floor or using the quartz countertop as a surface for surgery.
“I open my cabinet and grab a giant mason jar.” Cue the white cabinets filled exclusively with trendy matching dishware. This person wouldn’t be caught dead using a souvenir cup. Do they own a mug that says “I Love My Jack Russell Terrier”? We don’t know because they have hidden or completely destroyed it in an effort to look like they have their shit together.
“I fill my jar slowly with fresh room temperature water.” This process gives the person an opportunity to stare longingly out the window and reflect on how grateful they are for every single thing that has ever happened to them. Hell, they might even break out a gratitude journal and jot some things down because they’re just. so. grateful. Do they have personalized pens? Yes. Do they actually do this every day? No.
“I add my citrus, ginger, and turmeric and drink the entire jar mindfully.” If you haven’t noticed, this person is #mindful. They don’t actually know what turmeric does just like the rest of us, but they will pretend they do by saying “you know, like, digestion and stuff.”
“After I’ve had my water, I do three hours of mindful stretching and yoga, followed by one hour of meditation.” Somehow it’s still only 5AM. Time has stopped for this person. Fuck the space time continuum. The laws of physics simply don’t exist here. It is an eerie hellscape filled with essential oil diffusers and fiddle-leaf fig trees you aren’t sure are real or fake.
“By this time, my tummy is getting a little hungry for breakfast. I eat one egg white and drink a green smoothie.” This person’s blender eviscerates an entire apple in .01 seconds, core included. It’s always flawlessly clean, but we’ve never actually seen them complete the laborious task of scrubbing it. I guess they think it’s too hard to look sexy while cleaning a blender. (I, for one, disagree. I personally look hot as hell when I clean mine.)
My HUGE breakfast gives me tons of energy for my next two hours of exercise. And that’s it! I’m ready to take on the day!” Like and subscribe, like and subscribe.
Substitute the lemon water for hot green tea, or the mindful stretching for a half-marathon. You get the gist. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having a morning routine. I don’t have an issue with gratitude. I do, however, have a problem with people editing their lives so heavily that it doesn’t include any of the messy, very real parts that everyone has to deal with on a daily basis (e.g. picking something out of your teeth when no one is looking, smelling your favorite t-shirt to see if you can wear it again before washing it, or bagging up your dog’s shit in the pouring rain). They have altered their reality so much that it doesn’t even look believable anymore, and then they double down by trying to sell it to other people as real life. We watch these videos and become convinced we’re in the wrong for actually living.
So my advice to myself and to others is don’t be afraid to drink your coffee before your water. (I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure your stomach isn’t going to combust. And if it does, I think there was an underlying issue.) Don’t be ashamed to sleep in on your day off. And if you hate green smoothies, don’t drink them. No one wants to clean kale out of their blender anyway, even if you do look damn fine doing it.