An Open Letter to Everyone Who Keeps Insisting I'll Want to Have Kids Someday

Dear everyone,

Well guys, you were right. This morning I woke up with an intense longing for shitty diapers and sleepless nights. All I want to do is worry about the well-being of a tiny alien that can’t walk or talk yet. I’m shocked I’m saying this, but I simply must procreate!

My partner and I have been on team-no-kids our entire relationship, but I’ll forget the decade of love we’ve shared if I can’t change his mind. (You said it yourselves- the clock is ticking.) I’ll find someone who will give me what I suddenly can’t live without- the scent of a soft baby head, and a hospital bill which my insurance undoubtedly won’t cover.

God I can’t tell you how good it feels to have an actual goal. All these years I’ve been doing, well, nothing! No one pooped on me, or latched onto my boobs, or yelled at me in Target because I wouldn’t buy them a Kit Kat bar. I can’t wait until an infant refuses to let me put sunscreen on them, or unravels a roll of toilet paper and leaves it strewn about the house. I’m guessing the property damage will compare to that of a puppy on steroids and I am here. for. it.

The constant presence of your children definitely helped. Your son Ayden squirting glue all over the bathtub? Charming. Your daughter Ava using her hand as a cake shovel? Precious. Sometimes you need to witness your friend’s baby throwing up all over her car’s interior for something to click inside your little lizard brain and realize you need to reproduce as soon as possible.

I know it’s scary, but I’m looking forward to giving birth. Spending thousands to squeeze a watermelon fetus out of my narrow birth canal in a fluorescently lit room, praying I don’t defecate? Or maybe they’ll cut me open! Wouldn’t that be a treat? Something new. Something different. We’ve been trying to spice things up, and being butchered as my loved one looks on in complete horror could be the key.

I’d like to give a quick shout out to my male co-workers over the years. I know I rolled my eyes when you told me to “wait and see” after approximately 2.5 weeks of fatherhood, but you were totally spot on. I’m always hearing about your kids’ chronic ear infections, and I’m anxious to regale you with tales of my child’s latest bowel movement (pictures included).

I honestly owe you all an apology for those insulting excuses. “I like kids. I just don’t want any of my own.” What a garbage person. Please understand that I truly thought I had a grip on what I wanted. I was fooled by the years of personalized behavioral therapy and simply living as myself for decades. It turns out you can go your whole life thinking you know your entire being to find out that Jeff from accounting knows you way better than you ever knew yourself.

Thanks for never giving up on me, everyone. I told you I was working through some stuff, but you just kept insisting how great it is to be a parent! Because of you, I’ll be able to project my deepest insecurities and anxieties onto my offspring. (It’s okay. My mental and emotional suffering will probably cease to exist the second I see my little bundle of joy, anyway.) See you at the shower!

Thanks again,

Sarah